I remember when I was 10 or so and Days of Thunder was being taped in my neighborhood. This was, of course, way before Tom Cruise became crazy. I remember going to the mall where the directors were gathering extras and really wanting to be one.
How do we go from really wanting to be an extra to not being happy with having pretty great lives? I'm totally guilty of this. I used to "want to be happy". I remember at 10, even 16, having these dreams of living a modest life with a man who also wanted to find the good in the world, and just being happy. But now, at 26, this seems way underrated. Maybe it's my idea of happiness. I want happiness to never go away. I want to be overflowing with extra happiness when I'm showering or flossing or cleaning dishes.
I've never been much on down time. I think because it gets me down. If I don't have some certain purpose I feel I'm a waste. When I'm teaching I'm really happy. I feel like this even when a kid rolls his eyes at me or the whole class stares blankly at me when I'm talking about something that I've been teaching for weeks. Maybe it's because I have a job to do that fills me with joy. Maybe it's because I strongly believe that 15 year olds are overall way better people than we give them credit for. Maybe it's even because I'm waiting for some adolescent to give me the secret of life. Either way, I am lucky to have a career that brings me such happiness.
But now, on my 4th day of winter vacation, I have to take a boring shower. I'm going to fold my boring laundry and go to the mean/boring gym.
How is it possible that being the star in my own life can seem so meaningless sometimes?
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