neccessities

These past few weeks have been filled with no breaks. The first month of school always feels the most insane and this year is especially so. I feel like I haven't really breathed since I returned from Vegas/NewYork/Boston/Florida.

The good news is that teaching is the most rewarding thing I've ever done and just seems to become increasingly more important to me each year. I'm really trying to be more intentional about things this year. Sam, a clever sophomore who always seems to make me laugh and get me off topic, stopped me on Friday to tell me that I was "killing it" this year. That's a good thing. I tend to agree. I've been planning lessons diligently and thoughtfully, trying not to wait to the last minute. I've made teaching the most important thing in my life and I want to be really good at it. I want to do whatever I can for these kids that I adore. I haven't made it home before 8 p.m. once since school started, but they're understanding tone and diction, thinking more about their actions, and are enjoying learning. I've been in love with teaching from the first day I walked into the classroom and I can't imagine getting the enjoyment that i get out of it from anything else. I spend my entire day laughing and reading poetry and saying terrible jokes that none of my students think are funny. I get to make people really happy just by smiling at them and they get to feel like someone cares. It's really the best thing in the world.

However, I now have 48 minutes before I have an essay due for grad school. I have a sink full of dishes that need to be washed, loads of laundry needing to be cleaned,hair that really needs to be colored and chipped nail polish.I haven't been to the grocery store in two weeks and my gas light is on.

In his poem, Your Laughter, Neruda explains this phenomenon:

"Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter."

I guess I've found what I really need to live.

flash and back

I'm brimming with hope about my life. This school year feels different, more fresh. My heart has sealed over and seems to even have forgotten it was once ripped open without warning. Each morning I wake with a sincere joy for all the things my life has given me, all the things I've worked for and am closer and closer to achieving. I can see myself becoming a better teacher and it makes me happier than I've ever been. I want nothing more than to inspire something in my students; Sometimes I don't even care what that something is.

new school

It's almost 2 a.m. and my ability to sleep properly has left me. I spent the weekend seeing concerts, drinking heavily and eating a lot. I had friends in town and I guess that's what we do best. However, the first day of school is tomorrow /today and I can't manage any beauty sleep. I'm so excited for this year to begin. I love my job so very much and it seems to get better each day. There are also lots of new teachers this year which is always an exciting thing. I love watching new teachers make it past the worst days and end up smiling. It's what we do best.

easy

Sometimes I think that everything would be better in the world if I could go fly a kite on a beach somewhere. This isn't something I often did as a child, but I'd like to believe my younger years were filled with sand between my toes, fighting the wind to keep a big red kite in the air.

love on the rocks

So, my ex boyfriend is engaged. We broke up almost a year ago because he felt he needed to pursue his dream of becoming a rock star and didn't ever want to get married or settle down. Three weeks later he'd quit his band to move to Colorado with his old high school flame. Now, of course, they're tying the knot. I hope they accidentally hang themselves in the knot.

purple and blue

I've always strongly believed that clumsiness is sexy. I do this in the same way that people with red hair think people with red hair are spunky and unique, and people who are left handed believe that people who are left handed are exceptionally talented.
Last week, while on my morning run, an evil bump in the road caused me to softball girl slide across the pavement. Even if this wasn't the second time this month that I've fallen at 5 o'clock in the morning, even if I wasn't already bleeding from my elbow, knee and arm I would have hated this moment completely. I never wanted to be a girl softball player. And really, is that all that sexy?
The next day my swollen knee couldn't quite bend and I was forced to rock a pimp walk all day. My students must view me as some klutzy, crazy librarian lady. We were reading a part in To Kill a Mockingbird - the scene where Atticus is telling Jem to walk around in Mr. Ewell's shoes, the man who just spat in his face and threatened his life. I was telling them how much I loved Atticus when one of my students told me that I should get out more. I tripped over her backpack on the way back to my desk.

days of rest

I remember when I was 10 or so and Days of Thunder was being taped in my neighborhood. This was, of course, way before Tom Cruise became crazy. I remember going to the mall where the directors were gathering extras and really wanting to be one.

How do we go from really wanting to be an extra to not being happy with having pretty great lives? I'm totally guilty of this. I used to "want to be happy". I remember at 10, even 16, having these dreams of living a modest life with a man who also wanted to find the good in the world, and just being happy. But now, at 26, this seems way underrated. Maybe it's my idea of happiness. I want happiness to never go away. I want to be overflowing with extra happiness when I'm showering or flossing or cleaning dishes.

I've never been much on down time. I think because it gets me down. If I don't have some certain purpose I feel I'm a waste. When I'm teaching I'm really happy. I feel like this even when a kid rolls his eyes at me or the whole class stares blankly at me when I'm talking about something that I've been teaching for weeks. Maybe it's because I have a job to do that fills me with joy. Maybe it's because I strongly believe that 15 year olds are overall way better people than we give them credit for. Maybe it's even because I'm waiting for some adolescent to give me the secret of life. Either way, I am lucky to have a career that brings me such happiness.

But now, on my 4th day of winter vacation, I have to take a boring shower. I'm going to fold my boring laundry and go to the mean/boring gym.

How is it possible that being the star in my own life can seem so meaningless sometimes?